Relationship Advice from the I perspective is a Choice. It becomes a way of life committed to honesty and ownership of your feelings and responses and actions to those around you. The “I perspective” rather than the “Me myself and I projection” is the shift from victim hood to observer. Victim hood is part of our history naturally experienced in childhood. Some experience it in extreme ways and many in very subtle ways. It can be as subtle as a parent or teacher not listening to something you were expressing that was important to you. I am guided frequently to share about a clients parent and they will let me know their relationship was and is great with which ever parent we are referring to. When I ask for them to describe what the relationship is like, I often hear things like ” I’m myself around my Dad, I just don’t share my emotions because I don’t like to hear him scream.” ” My dad was great, we all just know not to share with him because he’s always right.” “I have a wonderful relationship with my mom, I don’t see her much because she doesn’t approve of what I am doing.”
These are real comments from clients I’ve worked with. Obviously if you’re not able to be yourself around someone it’s not a great relationship. When you grow up learning to manipulate situations by what you express and don’t express, you learned how to live in the lie of “what you have to share is of no value. ” The connector here is when what you’re expressing isn’t of value to your care givers and those who “love” you, you learn you are not of value and low self esteem is born. As low self esteem is born, it can show up in adult hood in many forms if past issues aren’t addressed. By the way, this isn’t a parent bashing session. Every parent did the best job they could do with the training they had and the experiences they encountered as they were growing up. Those of you who are still harboring angst of any kind for your parents are passing it onto to your children and everyone in your life. NOT USEFUL!
In Victim mode you are all about me myself and I …projection! It’s everyone else’s fault , they did it to you, they hurt you, they made you mad, you’ll never forgive them. They they they and what they did to you you you and how me me me and I I I have been wronged. The same as thinking , they made me happy, I want that because it makes me happy regardless of how it affects the others in my life. Oh yes, then there’s the classic comment of ” I didn’t want to tell them because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.” WOW, do you think it might be unpleasant to discover the choices you made based on what another person lead you to believe was honesty, was actually the opposite of what was true and all the choices you made were based upon lies?
This is what “Me Myself and I Syndrome is like. It’s based on the lies of unresolved emotions that were never expressed and now exist in the unconscious world running your life un be known’s to you. It’s judgment of good and bad and right and wrong. It’s need for approval and validation form anyone other than yourself. It’s avoiding your own emotions by wanting to fix others. It’s avoiding other people’s emotions to avoid your own emotional pain. It’s embellishing, withholding, lying, aggrandizing and belittling. It’s manipulating your world to avoid what has always been within you and blaming it on those around you. It’s escaping it through addictive behaviors that provide the short term high. It’s drugging it to make it go away. It’s divorcing it because it’s the other persons fault, rather than recognizing you chose someone to be with who wasn’t you true match. Often times this occurs without taking responsibility for your part of the situation. Therein lies the shift…take responsibility for your part of the situation, bringing your focus home first.
After you come home to your feelings, your choices, your behaviors and your actions you step into observer mode. There will be plenty of victim parts who continue to present themselves. You can become your own wonderful parent and raise those parts up to adult hood. One by one with unconditional love and gratitude for the wonderful survival techniques they creatively put into place to remain safe. You can heal your life. It becomes your job to let your parts know it’s safe and that honesty is the best policy for everyone concerned, regardless if there is pain involved or not. Honesty will always involve less pain than lying to avoid the pain. Thus the I perspective.
The I perspective is being honest and expressive about what you are experiencing rather than what another person has done to you. The I perspective knows the feelings your having already live within your unconscious world of past experiences. You also carry the DNA of all your ancestry who have encountered many of their own traumatic experiences. You carry those similarly as you carry the genes for hair, eye and skin color. Your emotions and feeling are yours. How you interact with other peoples choices and actions are your parts of the situation. Your choices were involved the same as the others in your life made choices. Who chooses to be with people who are abusive in some way? You do, you choose who and how to interact with people. Who continues to avoid being honest with yourself and prefers to judge and project issues onto others? The I perspective is you taking responsibility for all of your life and how you interact with it. It sounds like, ” I’m experiencing a lot of anger right now with regard to the choice you made. I didn’t realize I had so much anger built up in me. ” ” I am not happy with myself that I have allowed disrespectful behavior in my life, I am learning to respect myself and require it from others. If you continue to treat me in that way, I will not be spending time with you anymore.” ” I realize you have anger within you, I am not the one who put it there, I obviously reminded you of something painful from your past, lets figure out what’s going on here.”
The I Perspective is expressive and honest which takes commitment and work. As you express honestly communicating with yourself first, you begin to heal from all of the emotional wounds of the past. These wounds are simply un expressed feelings that are wanting to be heard and often pretty angry that they’ve had to wait so long to be heard. Could you imagine if you broke your leg and kept asking for assistance to get it healed but no one would assist you. Rather, those around you ignored you, told you to be quiet, told you it was silly to want to heal your leg, just get over it, just be positive, its rude to be negative, its bad to be angry…and on and on. The leg would probably heal eventually on its own, but there would be a lot of pain, a lot of scar tissue, and most likely loss of movement . At the very least, impaired movement disabling your leg to functional normally and freely. The lack of attention to the wound would render it dysfunctional. This is what happens when people are emotionally wounded. Emotional wounds affect the heart and its ability to love self and others fully, completely and unconditionally. This is how the me myself and I is born. Born out of dysfunction and if left to its own devices breeds dysfunction in its unconscious effort to be recognized and healed.
The I perspective allows you to bring functionality back into your life and thus into your world with every relationship. It’s literally a matter of you loving you and remembering that your parents did the best job they could with what they knew and the tools they had. Although possibly fairly abusive tools, it was what they knew to do. Thankfully we can wake up with honesty and heal from the inside out as well as from the outside in! With gratitude for ALL we have experienced up to this moment in time. Every moment is an opportunity to be honest. Honesty is what allows for presence to occur. Presence allows healing and unconditional love to flow to yourself and then to others.
Thank you for sharing in another present moment experience of our Beautiful world.
Love and Light Susan Newton