Relationship Advice for Parents

posted in: Blog | 0
Have you ever been called out by your spouse, sibling, child or even yourself because you sound just like you mother or father? There’s a reason for that! Many of us have parts who have never grown up, they’re literally still living in the past. Parts that were stunted in growth due to emotional trauma. What do I mean by this? Everyone has experiences as a child in which they were unable to effectively communicate their feelings. Often the feelings were expressed through some form of communication, but were not heard or acknowledged. The time frame of “be seen and not heard” resulted in tons of emotional baggage that has been carried forward for eons. How care givers treated us co created our likes and dislikes, born out of our judgments of what was good and what was bad.

The best gift to share with your children is the freedom from past patterns. Often misperceived are those experiences and behaviors judged to be “good”. Yes I said Judged to be good. People don’t realize those things judged to be good, were born from judgments of “bad”. Before this realization is integrated and worked on, many repeat one or both sides of patterns born from experiences they disliked. The results of unknowingly passing the entire pattern on, show up in the continuation of it through future generations. This is what I refer to as unhealthy behaviors.

Recognition and acknowledgement of the unhealthy behaviors is an important piece for observing it in yourself first, as well as observing it in others. Stepping into observer mode stops the enabling process in it tracks. Enabling is how everything is passed on. When old patterns are still in place, defense mechanisms used to avoid the feelings which created the emotional baggage are LARGE and in charge. These parts are in survival mode, protecting at all costs and frequently drawn to those circumstances that seem to be the opposite of what they are avoiding. Here’s the rub, what you’re drawn to and can behave like are actually the other halves of what you’ve been avoiding disguised as what you “want”. Yep you read it right. Before you wake up to what’s going on, you’re attracted to and can behave like what seems to be different from what you didn’t like to experience. When in fact, it’s the exact thing you didn’t like showing up in disguise. The half you didn’t like will always show up at some point, it’s just a matter of time.

Beginning to observe, you have to step out of the illusion of victim-hood. Why is victim-hood an illusion? Victim-hood is built on the premise of a lie! The lie we learned as children! Whether it be physical, emotional or mental abuse from a care giver, it creates the illusion of not being good enough, having done something wrong or not being enough in some way. Not being heard, listened to, cared for, protected by, stood up for or supported creates this knowing in a child. Even the smallest things can facilitate this lie. It doesn’t have to be anything extreme for this form of abandonment to occur. The feeling of not being safe as a child perpetuates a plethora of unhealthy behaviors and defense mechanisms to be born and carried on until we wake up to the deception. Once you realize you’re deceiving yourself as well as others, the jig is up and you can move on.

For me, emotional, mental and physical health have been directly related to my spiritual and religious growth as a Christian. Following God, Jesus and Holy Spirit on a path beginning with my birth, moving on through childhood, young adulthood and now in my 50’s has been interesting to say the least. As my life unfurls, each day seems to be another through which to have faith, heal and become more of what I am here to experience and share. One thing is for sure, it’s crystal clear to me that God has my back. Time and time again I am shown the support that is always there for me as I journey through my life circumstances. Part of my service is to share what I’m learning through my experience.

What do these unhealthy behaviors look like, sound like, feel like, and show up as in parents? Here are some examples:

1. The parent who enrolls their child into an activity they themselves used to do and then pushes the child to excel at it so they can give them the support they never got. (In actuality repeating the same pattern of nonsupport in a different way. They’re supporting their child in a way that would have served themselves as a child, with disregard to who and what their child is. Now enabling the part of themselves that feels not good enough and slighted in some way, to have at any cost what it feels it didn’t get.)

2. The parent who enrolls their child in activities they themselves never participated but wish they would have and then push the child to excel. ( Same as above enabling going on)

3. The parent who was not supported in some way as a child, who over supports their child by giving them everything and rarely saying no. Also by habitually saying no, only to have the no become a yes. As well as, disregarding the other parent’s no or yes and doing the opposite of it with the child, then saying don’t tell daddy or mommy I let you do it. (Again repeating the pattern of not being supported and or treated well and cared for! In this case by saying yes to everything or allowing the opposite of the other parent, the child is taught to manipulate rather than be respectful and honest, as well as feeling they deserve to have everything whether it’s appropriate or not.)

4. The parent who is overly strict at times and easy at other times frequently in randomness, again creating confusion and manipulative behaviors in the child. (Yet again repeating the pattern of not taking care of the child by teaching through unhealthy behaviors. This need to be in control being passed on in healthy ways)

These are just a few examples that give you the gist of what I’m sharing here. The reason for recognizing this is obviously to stop it from happening. No need to pass on the patterns of the past when they’re not useful. There are of course many patterns from the past that are useful. The trick is to begin the process of getting to know yourself and all of your parts. When you wake up and begin to observe, discernment and preference are utilized in an unconditionally loving and honest way. The former, rather than Judgement and addictive behaviors that enable victim-hood through lies and manipulation, is healthy behavior. The relationship Advice for Parents is to become the parent to the parts of yourself that were stunted in childhood, love them and help them to grow up. When you stop enabling the lie to continue with in you, it won’t move forward through you to your children and beyond.

Thank you for sharing in another present moment experience of our Beautiful world.

Love and Light Susan Newton